- Old ladies at retail stores: Hey, you know where I absolutely do not work, any percent of the time? Ever? All retail stores. You know how you can tell? Because I'm not wearing a uniform. I'm gonna stop you before you interject -- yes, I am wearing nice pants. I shop at Ross Dress for Less, and they often have good deals on nice pants. But nice pants do not a uniform make. Your key indicator is going to be shirt color, generally.
And I especially do not appreciate it when, after I've told you I don't work at this retail store, you decide to ask me where something is anyway, and then act exasperated when I don't know. Why would I know where it is any better than you do? Why do you think my time is less valuable than yours? If you can't manage to find an actual clerk to help you find something, then it's probably time to go pick out an ice flow.
OH, WAIT. We don't have any more ice flows. You created the Global Warming to destroy them all so we'd have to keep subsidizing your social security while you rant about how deficient we are because we grew up with computers. Well played.
The next time an old lady does this to me, I'm going to follow her to her car (if she can find it), write down the license plate number, and then call the DMV and tell them to revoke her driver's license. Don't let that unlucky harridan be you.
- The fine folk at GoogleMaps: First of all, I love your product. I get absurdly excited every time you add street view to a new country or region so I can explore it. Whenever I get stressed out at work, I don't go to the break room; I go to a new city I've never seen before.
You know what would be a great new feature to add? If there were map data from prior decades so you could see how much a city had developed between say 1960 and 2000 and 2015. You could pick the decades you want to compare, and then it could color-code the roads based on the earliest decade they existed in (e.g.; all roads that existed as of 1960 would be blue, roads added between 1960 and 2000 would be red, and roads added between 2000 and 2015 would be yellow). There'd have to be a special color for roads that existed in 1960 but were taken out of commission by 2000. It might also be neat to create a similar feature based on how properties are zoned. I would really enjoy that.
While I've got you, I would also enjoy it if you'd go back to the last version of GMaps. I hate to be anti-progress, and I don't pitch a fit when they do major changes to FaceBook or anything, but the latest GMaps runs really slow, and street view frequently crashes my computer. Plus I can't do the split screen between satellite and street views so I can see where I'm going as I move down a street, and the directions tool isn't as user-friendly as it used to be.
Sorry to complain. Overall, I still adore your product. It will always be the first place I go when I get on the internet.
- College guys who are using my gym while home for Thanksgiving break: You play lacrosse. Tank tops with super deep arm holes are the nice pants of the lacrosse-playing world, is how I can tell. They're also good indicators of arrogance, although redundant since I already knew from your gait and your smirk. You are somehow twice my size at 22.
You are contemptible. Your confidence is unearned and will get your spoiled ass everything it wants. Nobody came to hear you and your bro discuss the quality or quantity of your reps. Whatever the fuck reps are, and also how about you get that muscly frat ass over here and put it on my tongue, hmm? And then I'll fellate your lacrosse stick and shove my face in your sweaty armpit while you and your buddy have a really arrogant conversation about reps and your cars and jerk each other off.
Yeah, I don't understand it. And you don't give a shit anyway, which is of course part of your appeal. Fuck you, in both senses of that phrase. Also, can I get you anything and everything you could ever possibly want? Goddammit.
-Trader Joe's Goat Milk Cheddar Cheese: You're beautiful. Keep on doing exactly what you're doing.